This morning President George Bush narrowly escaped an assassination attempt. Sources close to President have stated that the attempt was cunning, fiendish and well planned. A statement from the White House has outlined the vicious attempt on Bush’s life. Firstly a Mars bar, known to be Bush’s favourite, was cello taped to the bottom of a plastic carrier bag. The suffocation warnings on the plastic bag were then mercilessly crossed out.

Peter Peterson, a White House spokesman, explained how close the President came to a sweet tasting but fatal death.
“This assassination attempt is the closest than any terrorist group has come to succeeding in removing the President from office,” Peter went on to describe the events, “during a normal governmental meeting a carrier bag was delivered to President Bush. The culprits, knowing the Presidents fondness for chocolate and inability to eat with his fingers, had fastened a bar of chocolate to the bottom of a carrier bag. Following a similar attempt with a Pretzel last year the secret service has spent many man hours training the President to avoid another attack by heeding any warnings on the carrier bag. Knowing this the attackers had crossed out the suffocation warnings.”

President Bush’s life was only saved when fellow government officials noticed something was wrong.

“The President quite often gets his head stuck in things,” continued the spokesman, “and so at first nothing was thought of it. It wasn’t until the President started rolling on the floor and squealing like a pig that the government officials suspected something was wrong. An immediate inquiry was called and following the results of preliminary report urgent action was taken. The officials voted 8 to 2 in favour of calling for help and within the target response time of ten minutes, secret service agents were on the scene to free the now unconscious President Bush.”

The inability of President to spot simple attempts on his life has been a major cause for concern for the inner circles of the government. Further training is expected for Bush but little hope is held out for its success.